When you lose someone you love no one really tells you how you’re supposed to handle all that grief encompasses. There is no “How you should grieve” handbook. (Even if there was, it wouldn’t be one size fits all anyway.) You could have the most amazing support system around you but still may find yourself feeling alone, confused, and at a loss for where to go from here. When I lost my mom I had no idea what to do next. I had so much support from friends and family but still felt so lost moving forward. I do not particularly thrive in the unexpected and chaos and that is exactly what grief felt like for me. I wanted someone to just tell me what to do. While I know now that no one can ever really prepare you for loss or what comes after, I have learned a lot over the years and have come across resources I wish I knew of sooner.
I also wanted to ask some friends of different backgrounds/ages/genders to give suggestions from their personal experiences with grief too. Among this group we have lost spouses, siblings, babies, fathers, mothers, grandparents, and best friends. (Friends, if you are reading this thank you for your input and help with this! xoxo) They gave such good feedback that I may have to write multiple posts! For this one I wanted to focus on some resources out there to help people cope with their grief. Everyone handles grief differently so if you haven’t done any of these things please don’t think you are doing something wrong. We each have our own unique grief journey. The following is just a compilation of grief resources from my own experience as well as some others’ experiences in hopes to help someone out there in their journey. I hope you find something that is helpful to you!
1. Bring your hurt and pain to Jesus
I say this first because it is the most important and the most life changing. In times of deep grief and sadness it is so easy to think that God is a million miles away. It is so easy to shut Him out, turn your back on Him, and run to the things of the world for your comfort. But, if you don’t, if you instead turn to Jesus I promise it will change everything. He is right there with you in the depths of your sadness. I can boldly say this because of who I know God to be and who He promises to be. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 23:4 says, “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” He is near. He will comfort you in ways the world cannot. Don’t turn away from Him. Let Him help carry you through it.
2. Talk to someone- try grief counseling!
I am a HUGE advocate for all types of counseling, especially grief counseling. Grief is so personal that it can be hard to talk about it with your close friends and family if they also knew the person who died. The great thing about talking to a licensed counselor is you can speak freely without having to worry about how what you say will affect them or if it will make them too sad, etc. because it is their job to be completely unbiased. If you are a believer in Jesus, I would highly recommend seeing a licensed Christian counselor.
***Did you know that many health care providers and even some businesses offer FREE grief counseling sessions as part of your plan? Call the number on your health insurance card and speak to someone about receiving free grief counseling. Most likely your health insurance offers this! I received 6 free sessions when I was in college and it was a game changer. Just make sure you find a counselor in your network. A friend also informed me that Hospice offers free grief counseling, so you could definitely ask them if that applies to your situation. If your Health insurance does not offer free grief counseling or once your free sessions are over you can look into a practice that offers a sliding scale pay system. Meaning you pay less based on your income and situation. Just ask! I am such an advocate for counseling, especially grief counseling, that I think it is absolutely worth it to spend the money on.
3. Join a grief support group
One on one counseling not your thing? Try joining a grief support group! (Or join a group in addition to your one on one counseling.) There is an organization called Grief Share that has groups that meet all across the U.S. They use Christian based material along with videos that give you some practical tools to use in your grieving process. The material may be a little cheesy, but some find that it’s the people you meet and the safe space to share with like minded people that is the most helpful. Go to https://www.griefshare.org to find a group near you. A lot of churches offer their own version of grief support groups too, so you could also look into some local churches in your area to see if they offer any!
4. Attend a Grief Retreat
A friend told me about this amazing resource called Spark of Life. It is a FREE grief retreat that offers you rest, hope, and grief resources to help you through your journey. Lodging, food, and everything is completely free, you just have to pay for your transportation to get to one of their locations. I had no clue that things like this existed when my mom died and it sounds like an amazing opportunity for healing.
5. Take care of yourself
This isn’t really a resource, but just a friendly reminder to drink water, go on a long walk, sit outside in the fresh air, eat something colorful, and spend time with friends that are lifegiving to be around. Give yourself permission (if you haven’t been already) to do things that are lifegiving and, heaven forbid, even FUN. I remember feeling so guilty at first after my mom died anytime I laughed or did something fun because I was afraid people would think I wasn’t sad enough or that I wasn’t honoring my mom. Both of which are lies and not helpful. So, in case no one has told you this yet, it’s okay to still laugh and have fun and take care of yourself. Just like it’s okay to cry and be angry and choose to forgo a fun social activity if you don’t feel up for it. Just give yourself grace and let go of all the shame and guilt. It will be so freeing once you do.
6. Practice Gratitude
When my mom died one of my college pastors met with me one day and made me tell him five things I’m thankful for. At first I was mad, like how could I possibly be grateful for anything right now when I feel like my whole world is imploding. But he was on to something. It forced me to stop wallowing around in self pity and shift my focus up and out of the pain I felt so intensely. I had much to be grateful for still. My own health, my support system, my family, my community, my roommates, the strong presence of the Holy Spirit. Some days were definitely harder than others to come up with five things, but doing this simple practice each day helped my gaze shift outward a little bit. And there is so much biblical truth to this- i.e. “Give thanks in all circumstances.” 1 Thes 5:18.
7. Serve
This goes along with the idea of shifting your focus outward. Grief can be such an internal process and can become a slippery slope that leads to a big pile of self pity. I say that in the most understanding and loving way. I definitely have thrown myself some pity parties over the years. Volunteering or doing something for another person can be really healing and helpful in bringing you out of those dark places. It is like a gulp of fresh air sometimes to take a break from focusing on yourself and your grief and focus on helping others.
8. Read a book specific to your needs
For some people, reading books about grief can be very helpful. However, if your grief is fresh and your brain feels like mush still, definitely don’t feel like you need to do any heavy reading. This list is compiled from the friends I reached out to as well as my own recommendations. I have not read them all, but wanted to share some books that others recommended as they could be helpful for other people.
–You’ll Get Through this by Max Lucado
–It’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan Devine
–It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way by Lysa Terkeurst
-Healing the Grieving Heart book series by Alan Wolfelt (there are different books for different types of losses)
–Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman (not from a Christian perspective but still helpful)
–Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman (not from a Christian perspective but still helpful)
–The Book of Comforts: Genuine Encouragement for Hard Times by Kaitlin Wernet
–A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis (may be best to read a few years after your loss)
These are just a few resources that myself and other’s I know can recommend but I know there are so many more great resources out there! Feel free to share some in the comments so we can all help each other out!
