This is how I remember my mom. Dressed in bright colors, sun kissed glow from playing tennis, and flashing that smile that would light up rooms and lift spirits. It has been almost 9 years since she unexpectedly died and by God’s grace alone I have experienced a peace and acceptance that surpasses any of my own understanding. But then something happened that I did not expect.
When I found out my husband and I were expecting, fall of 2017, all of this grief and deep sadness resurfaced and it felt as fresh as if it had just happened. It was different from when other big events happened in my life, like getting married and planning a wedding. This time I wasn’t just sad and wishing she were here, but it was the first time I really felt that I could not handle something without her. I remember feeling like a terrible mother already because instead of just feeling pure excitement and happiness for this miracle (which I absolutely did and was SO grateful to be pregnant) I also felt so sad, scared, and really overwhelmed. Like way more overwhelmed than all of my other mom friends.
The Holy Spirit quickly revealed to me that I was feeling all of these things because I was grieving all over again, only this time I was grieving my mom as a grandma. I was grieving the fact that my child will never experience the deep love and proudness that a maternal grandmother gives. I was overwhelmed because I hadn’t been mothered in 8 years and wondered if I would be able to do it without her. The reality that I was not going to have the one person I would have gone to with all of my motherhood questions started to sink in. And it hurt.
During this new grieving process amidst my pregnancy journey I longed for resources and affirmation. To hear from someone else, “Me too sister, you are not alone. You are not a bad mother for feeling this way. You will still be an amazing mom even without your mom to help you. God has not forgotten about you or your baby. He will be your Helper.” But to my complete shock I could not find ANYTHING out there, at least not through a Christian perspective. That’s when the Lord placed on my heart to start this blog to share my journey in hopes that one other mom who is in my shoes can feel supported. That she can know that she will absolutely be able to do this mom thing because the Lord will sustain her and help her.
Having my daughter has also re-sparked a creativity inside of me that I have missed so dearly. After losing my mom I also lost my desire to create and sort of tucked it away along with all things bright and colorful. There was a period of time I found myself not even wanting to wear color at all because it reminded me of her or because I didn’t “feel” very colorful. Well not anymore! I am allowing the color back into my life and am letting these creative juices flow. I’m already feeling more like myself and more like my mama. I want to raise my daughter in a home that celebrates color in every sense of the word. A home where we try new things, eat colorful foods, get our hands messy, make art together, and love people well.
This blog is a love letter to my mom, the most colorful person I have ever known.
