April 23

April 23, 2019 marked 9 years since my mom unexpectedly died and went to Heaven. I never know what to expect on these anniversaries. Some years the day is filled with sweet memories and reflection, colorful carnations and worship music. Others have been more somber and filled with questions. Either way, I always try and honor my mama. I do this by letting those thoughts of her linger longer than I usually let them, I bring out the old photos, put on one of her dresses, spend time in the sunshine, drink a Big Gulp sized Diet Coke (her lifeline), and fill pages in my prayer journal.

But this year was different. I should have expected it given the huge changes this year in becoming a mom without her and grieving her in a new way, but grief will trick you like that. Although it was hard, this day always seems to be exactly what I need. Funny how God tends to do that right? Since having Lainey I notice myself suppressing my grief and thoughts for fear of losing it while having to take care of her. But yesterday after Joey and I put Lainey to bed, I finally had a moment to allow all of the sadness and thoughts to surface and stay a while.

We lamented the fact that my mom will never get to hold Lainey this side of Heaven and talked about how much she would have loved her and vise versa. We lamented the painful reality that my husband never got to meet my mom. Then I let myself say out loud all of those questions like, What would she have wanted her grandma name to be? Would she have been in the delivery room with us when Lainey was born? How many times would she come visit her grandbaby, or would we have lived close by her and my dad? Would they have moved to the Texas Hill Country by now?

After a difficult night, I desperately grabbed my Bible and randomly opened it up in need of some hope. I looked down and I had opened up to Psalm 42. “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” Hope in God. Sometimes I don’t really know what that looks like but I know that He has always provided exactly what I need in the moment and is exactly who He says He is. He is faithful. That is how I continue to praise Him. That’s where my Hope lies. In my salvation and my God.